I know for years you’ve all known I’ve had an eating disorder. Even if you didn’t understand it or know what an eating disorder like anorexia or bulimia was, you knew something was wrong. Confronting someone that has a problem is hard, let alone confronting your best friends, so I understand why you never wanted to bring it up. It’s a sensitive subject, I get it.
I went unseen or at least what I thought was unseen for several years with no support and no help. ED and I didn’t want the help anyways, we were invincible. I always thought to myself, this is normal for me, I feel good and this is my life. This is how I’ll always be.
I’ve lied to you all many times, not because I wanted to but because ED made me and I owe you all an apology. Whether it was lying about where I was going, what I was doing or isolating myself and saying I couldn’t go out or to your houses and sleepover. I’m sorry.
Looking back, I can’t believe I managed to accomplish so much even with ED by my side. But, I was ruthless thinking I could continue this lifestyle and have no consequences. My brain could barely function and my body was in great danger. I was killing myself. Still, nothing could stop me.
I still remember the day when Kaleigh brought me to Lindsay’s house last July. I knew something was up. My stomach immediately dropped and I felt sick. My anxiety was through the roof when I saw all of you in the living room with a nervous look on all your faces.
“Do I run? What should I do?!” My mind was racing and all I wanted to do was escape. I was so mad, “how could my best friends do this to me? An intervention? I hate them, they aren’t my real friends.”
Until that day, I never knew how you all felt and how my eating disorder was affecting you all. ED only lets me think about him and his needs, no one else’s. It hurt me to see you girls upset, but I just couldn’t see myself changing at all.
It was that same week that things really started spiraling downward. My doctor, family and everyone was telling me I needed to leave and go get help. So now it wasn’t just you guys, it was the world against me and my real best friend, ED.
I was forced to make a serious decision. Do I stay home and be nagged about this every day until I’m dragged out of the house by my family and friends or do I go to treatment and be brave? I thought about everything all of you said to me and I made the quick decision to take the second route.
I thank you today for that.
Receiving treatment and working toward recovery is and was the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me. It’s scary, challenging and most of all, life changing. Thanks to you girls, it was a life change for the better. You really showed me what true best friends are. I’ve never felt so loved and supported by so many people in my life. Not many people can say that and I am forever grateful for each and every single one of you. I think about that day and my journey thus far very often and I couldn’t have done it without you all. As I write this letter, I celebrate 10 months today since I’ve been dedicated to my recovery.
Cheers to living a happier and healthier life!
Lindsay Ferris, Mindy Adams, Rachel Chazanovitz, Nicole Cadorette, Katie Woods, Emily Miller, Cara Mulcahy, Kaleigh Marino, Katie Hurd and Melanie Marcu; I love you girls to the moon and back <3
“She believed she could, so she did.”
About the author:
Bryna Moreau is a former patient of Walden Behavioral Care in Waltham, MA. She is currently in her first year of recovery and is focused on bringing awareness to the public about this stigmatized mental illness. In her free time, Bryna enjoys traveling, skiing and being outdoors.